Cracker Jack

Cracker Jack prizes have apparently gotten more lame than ever. I just bought a bag that contained a paper pencil decoration with a cartoon picture of insects. That is so much more lame than something like a sticker or a miniature baseball card. Just a piece of paper with two slits for a pencil to slide through. I'm glad I didn't buy the stuff for the prize. I was just eating it until I found a piece of paper in the bag and remembered the whole prize gimmick. I wonder if you can still buy Cracker Jack in boxes.

What I really like are the names of other caramel-covered popcorn snacks: Crunch 'n' Munch, Fiddle Faddle, and Poppycock. It takes creative genius to name a snack. When you eat something with a name like Fiddle Faddle, it feels like you are being funny and mischievous.

Work is fun

Just a minute ago I heard a lawn mower start up and then ... maniacal laughter. That is disconcerting. What kind of glee is someone suddenly feeling as the result of a deadly rotating blade? Frightening.

A couple years ago some workers were hammering in a garage and playing loud, heavy rock music. They kept hooting and hollering like they may have actually been at the rock concert.

Work must be fun. There is new meaning to "whistle while you work" on my street.

Things I saw that looked like something else in my mind

• Gravel: Seen at night and lit by red stop lights from a nearby car, it looked like dog food.
• Deer carcass: On the roadside it looked like a giant opossum. It was much less surprising when someone told me what it was after I exclaimed about its size.
• Billboard: As I was about to fall asleep on a night drive, it looked like a candy bar, and that scared me into alertness.
• Third year of law school: Back in the first year it looked like it would be a lot of fun, but it wasn't.
  

Windy

I used to wonder what it might be like to live on the Falkland Islands. Now I know a little more about the windy part anyway. Isn't Georgia windier than usual this year? I mean, gee whiz! I think the pollen that collected on the outdoor furniture has been blown away. I'm glad there isn't much sand around here because the furniture would be sandblasted, too. If there were sand outside, maybe it would get blown around and clean the driveway because this year it's illegal to pressure wash it. You can't see wind, but you can see the effects of it, and I've been seeing a whole lot of effects all this spring.

Ceremonial weapons

The law school graduation involved a display of weaponry: The sheriff wielding a sword and the law school marshal carrying a mace. I was reminded by a retired law professor who is a second degree black belt in tae kwon do that his feet and hands could be added to the list.

Sink philosophy

Two different philosophies clash in the bathroom. The philosophy of water conservation says, make a faucet that only runs as it is pressed upon, meaning that you can only rinse one hand at a time. The Americans with Disabilities Act philosophy says, make a sink with a normal faucet except with long handles to control the hot and cold water. The result is a counter with two sinks that have very different faucets. Guess who wins? The sink with the faucet that can be left on so you can rub your hands together under running water. In one particular bathroom it seems that no one uses the funny water-saving sink. Disabilities sink wins -- flawless victory.

Last names that are body parts or could be

• Head
• Legg
• Hand
• Foote
• Hipps
• Hart
• Finger
• Palm
  
• Butt
• Pitt

Friends versus allies

It seems it is hard to find good friends. I'm not a very social person, so I don't interact with people very frequently outside of school or work. When I do get to know friends and neighbors, there are inevitably politics that arise among them -- someone doesn't like someone else for some random reason. And it is hard to find someone who doesn't eventually do something I don't like myself.

Could it be easier to simply find allies? If I have an interest in learning or accomplishing something, maybe I could forget about finding friends and just focus on finding people who share my interest. I could ignore someone's negative character traits but just seek interactions with him to advance my goals. It seems that any group with politics -- whether a neighborhood, an office, or a dinner club -- really just functions by getting along rather than trying to be Best Friends Forever.

But shouldn't I draw the line somewhere? Is there a point at which someone is so rude that associating with them could hurt me? When is one "judged by the company you keep"?

Nose blowing

I do not like to blow my nose when it gets mucousy. Why? Glad you asked. Let me explain. If I try to blow my nose I do not get good results. First, my nostrils just get clogged up. I would rather suck in the small amount of mucous that is there, even if snorting sounds gross you out, because if I have snot in my nose then there's more where that came from. Second, it causes sinus pressure in my head to increase, and that hurts.

So I am just going to inhale and snort. Don't suggest that I blow my nose -- I already thought of that. Thanks for your phenomenal insight.

Cats in Sinks

Quick, turn the water on!

http://catsinsinks.com/

Apple Bear

I have spread
my dreams under
your feet
tread sorftly
because you
on my dreams

This is printed on a pencil that has a picture of a teddy bear character called Apple Bear. He has a mug and a cookie and something like a blue mouse at his feet. The pencil also bears the words "COLOR PENCIL" even though it is a regular wooden pencil, not a coloring pencil. Obviously something got lost in translation.

I *SO* accept those terms

Just what are we agreeing to when we sign up for Yahoo Mail or some other Internet account and we check the box that says we agree with some "terms"? Must we quarter some soldiers? Surrender our blenders? What diabolical fates await when we act all agreeable and stuff? Are these free Internet accounts worth giving up something valuable that could be embedded in those wordy-ass "terms of service" or "end user agreement" documents? But who's going to enforce it? The Internet police?

Another list: Diet Coke

Can you keep up with all the flavors of Diet Coke that have been produced? I made a list of new proposed flavors.

Diet Coke with Pistachios!
Diet Coke with Pineapple!
Diet Coke with Pimiento Cheese!
Diet Coke with Chicken Giblets!
Diet Coke with Chitterlings!
Diet Coke with Mountain Oysters!
Diet Coke with Coke 2!
Diet Coke with Diet Mountain Dew!
Diet Coke with Milk!

Good for the Heart

NORTHERN, PINTO, LARGE LIMA, BLACKEYE, GARBANZO, BABY LIMA, GREEN SPLIT PEA, KIDNEY, CRANBERRY BEAN, SMALL WHITE, PINK BEAN, SMALL RED, YELLOW SPLIT PEA, LENTIL, NAVY, WHITE KIDNEY, BLACK BEAN, PEARL BARLEY.

Boring spam

"Talk to thousands of teen women on webcam," said the spam email subject line. You know what? That actually sounds really boring. It would take a really long time to talk to thousands of teen women, and if they're just messing around with webcams there probably wouldn't be a lot of interesting things to say.