Antivirus conspiracy

What if McAfee or other antivirus software companies are secretly paying hackers on other continents to develop malicious software in order to keep themselves in business? It would be like the police planning crimes for their own job security. It would be like my earlier theory about bread and toasters: I'm pretty sure that bakeries have paid toaster manufacturers to skew their heat controls so that it's very difficult to find the ideal spot between too burnt and too white. That way people use more bread than they need and have to buy more from the bakeries.

Daylight Saving Time never saved jack

How do I get adjusted to Daylight Saving Time? I still want to wake up at 6 a.m. standard time; I just can't get with the program. How can I reset my body clock? I've some ideas:

1. Skip sleep one night so that I'll be really tired and go to bed extra early, and then maybe I'll be able to wake up an hour earlier the next day and the day after.
2. Take a three-day weekend and stretch it out into two long days of being awake for a long time and asleep for a long time.
3. Take a whole week and sleep on the human body's natural sleep cycle of about 28 hours. That means sleeping about five times over six days. Get back on schedule when I get back on sync with the solar day.
4. Take sleeping pills to go to bed earlier.
5. Lobby the Georgia General Assembly to consider an emergency bill called "Eli's Law" that will immediately discontinue DST in this state.

I'm frustrated because back in 2007 I was able to wake up easily enough at 6 a.m. DST. I was all prepared to keep my body on the same schedule when the time changed, to get up at 5 a.m. standard time. But then I got bronchitis and lost a lot of energy and a lot of sleep, so I started sleeping later.

Useless birth certificate cards

Why is it that some states issue a wallet-sized birth certificate? They are not real birth certificates because they can't be used for things that you need birth certificates for, like getting a passport. It's like they've been punking all these people who have been born in their states. "Here's your birth certificate -- Psych! It's a birth card! Ha!" I mean, what is the point of these little fake doll-sized cards?

Phantom mail

My Windows XP login screen always says there is "1 unread mail message" even when I have no unread mail. Where is this phantom message and how do I delete it?

Bookkeeping in everday life

How to record urination in the general journal: debit toilet, credit bladder.

Fax machine advice

"Face down, butt up." This little gem will be forgotten as obsolete fax machines disappear through attrition.

Injunctions on sale

Some people threaten going to court and easily getting an injunction against someone like it's on the shelf at Wal-Mart. If it's that easy, go to Sam's Club and get a dozen. Bring home one dozen injunctions all wrapped together in shrink wrap.